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Today I went in to get the Peanut’s art framed for her show (I only did one. It’s EXPENSIVE. I’ll do the others. I scrapbook. I can cut a matte). I ended up talking to the guys who work there for almost a half hour. Talking about art, the neighborhood, all different things… I would say that I didn’t recognize myself except for the fact that I finally DID recognize myself. I do have the gift of gab, but I really have kept to myself a lot over the past few years. I would have gone in, been nice, exchanged pleasantries and left. Today, I wouldn’t STFU. I also noticed this a few weeks ago when I was with a fellow tumblrer(is that a word?). I really talked a lot and it felt good. God knows I talk at work, but it’s not the same as real life conversations. I have been relaxed. I haven’t had to force conversation to fill air. I’m more like the MsDee of her early 20’s than from 30ish on.
I remember after I married the ex, I went back to visit my old med/surg floor for the first time in a few years. My head nurse kept asking me if I was happy. She then said that I seemed broken. I didn’t realize it then, but I was. I thought I was happy. Maybe I was, but I think my whole happiness was wrapped up in everyone else being happy.
Now? Besides my kid, my happiness is my business. Your happiness is yours. If you don’t like it? Move on.
A nurse asked me last night what I would do if the ex ever wanted to get back together again. I said, “No way, not a chance, never!” At first I don’t think she believed me. It would be like voluntarily checking in to Riker’s without having committed a crime. I told her that as much as I would love to have a partner, I will happily be single forever than to ever be in something that toxic again.
I used to worry so much about my kid being “a child of divorce.” Now, I am so grateful that she is not the child of who I was. She’s got a much better chance in life being my kid than hers:)